Varying Views of Marital Pursuit—Broadly Categorized
For the sake of this writing, there will be three major categories of the premarital-interest time period that will be considered. The first will be called the Evolutionary View; this will be the approach of modern and mainstream psychology regarding their view on why people date and why they respond in certain ways to the romantic pursuit. The second category, for the sake of this writing, will be called the Biblical-C view. In this approach will be the considerations of the sects within Christianity that view courtship (defined more thoroughly later) as the proper, biblical approach to a romantic, marital pursuit. The third category will be known as the Biblical-D view. For this approach, attention will be given to the groups of Christianity that lean toward a traditional dating process as the means by which one should pursue marriage. These three categories will be important to understand because, when viewing the effects of breakups on culture and Christianity, each of these three categorical tribes of people will default to a different approach regarding breakups, responses, and how one should conduct themselves after one.
Evolutionary View
The first category mentioned above was the evolutionary view on dating. It is within this category that much of what has been previously discussed in the history of dating section is connected. This view could best be summarized by David M. Buss when he summarizes it as such: “From an evolutionary perspective, love is an adaptation, or more accurately a complex suite of adaptations, designed to solve specific problems of survival and reproduction. It is an exquisitely honed set of psychological devices that for humans served critical utilitarian functions in highly specific contexts” (2019, 42). There is much that could be said and torn apart from a Christian perspective throughout this statement, but for the sake of this writing, the reader should understand a key concept introduced in the above statement. Clearly, there is a poor understanding of the purpose behind emotions and human feelings. The evolutionary view understands love as an “adaptation” and a “honed…device.” This view would completely and emphatically remove God, a creator, or an intelligent designer from the discussion. To those who fall into this category, all human emotions and responses are simply “designed to solve specific problems of survival and reproduction.” This is an extremely anthropocentric view on the conversation of dating, marriage, emotions, and breakups. They also state that the only function for love and the emotions that surround it would be strictly utilitarian, meaning that love is just an evolutionary response so that man can better himself. Sadly, this only leads to worse conclusions as was mentioned previously in the psychological research and impact section.
In addition to the above statement, Buss goes on to write, “Another problem is that what often comes up often comes down. People fall out of love as crashingly as they fall in love. We cannot predict with certainty who will fall out of love, but recent studies provide some critical clues” (Buss 2019, 53). This comment impacts the breakup discussion immensely. If one can “fall out of love”, then that means there are sure grounds for a breakup on any whim. If it truly comes “crashingly”, then no one has a choice—the urge overtakes them—notice how much this removes responsibility and accountability from the human. It is almost as to say, “I have no idea why, but I no longer love you or have any interest in you.” Gary Thomas summarizes the danger of this kind of philosophy well when he writes, “Emotions are powerful things; don’t play around with them, and make sure you are with someone who has control over his or her emotions. If I’m going to make myself extremely vulnerable with someone, I want that person to be ruled by the Holy Spirit and able to check those negative thoughts and actions rather than, in biblical language, someone who is ruled by ‘the flesh’” (2021, 38). Understand, this is the norm. This is the status quo. This is mankind’s default. Is there not a better way? Surely, there must be.
Aside from a misunderstanding of the human heart and a poor conception of how love works, this viewpoint also (though strangely) demeans all other people outside of one’s self. Notice these statements from Buss’ writing and how he labels other people:
“A woman chosen in part for her youth and beauty may lose out when a newer model beckons her partner.”
“A couple’s infertility after repeated episodes of sex prompts each to seek a more fruitful union elsewhere.”
“If the woman’s career skyrockets and the man gets fired, it puts a strain on both because their market values now differ.”
“In the evolutionary jungle of mating, we may admire a woman who stands by her loser husband. But few of those who did are our ancestors.” (Sternberg and Sternberg 2019, 53-54; emphasis added)
The above-italicized statements show the true fruit of this evolutionary view as they refer to human beings as “newer models,” “fruitful unions,” having “market values,” “losers,” and operating within a “jungle of mating.” This is remorsefully the mainstream view of culture, though most would not articulate it as such. The average person views relationships (which this writer defines as the base interaction method amongst other human beings) as expendable and only for self-gain. Again, the question is raised: Is there not a better way? Surely, there must be. Thomas again inserts a word of wisdom into the conversation with a simple question: “How many failed marriages will it take for us to see that this approach doesn’t work?” (Thomas 2021, 25). Thankfully, there are alternatives, and culture is not stuck within the bounds of this Evolutionary View on relationships and romantic pursuit.
Biblical-C View
Aside from the secular Evolutionary View, there are two views that the majority of Christians will fall into, the first is a belief in courtship. This view has been labeled as the Biblical-C view for the sake of this paper since this author does not believe that either dating or courtship are any more biblical than the other. This Biblical-C view was the predecessor of dating. It is the ancestor of dating, as has been noted previously. However, there are many within Christendom that would still hold to this classical, traditional view of romantic pursuit. They do so in the name of purity, parental supervision, and protecting their children (Young and Adams 2001, 25). None of these motives are incorrect, so it is important to acknowledge this view when addressing breakups and how a courtship-styled individual would respond.
To understand the difference between courtship and dating it is best to define the terms or beliefs individually. A leading Christian authority, Voddie Baucham Jr. wrote a book addressing his stance regarding courtship. It is one of the most thorough explanations of the Biblical-C View. He states that “The Bible is far from silent on the issue. God has given us a clear picture of the role of the husband/father in the home” (Baucham 2009, 9). Baucham does a fantastic job at showing how the view and stance of courtship is birthed out of the model of Old Testament Patriarchy (2009, 51-53). There is not space in the scope of this writing to address the intricacies of Patriarchy, but it generally refers to the leadership, final authority, and ultimate responsibility of the father in the home. Among the many romantic pursual outcomes that this kind of philosophy produces, Baucham notes that “A Patriarch must arrange for his daughter’s marriage by finding a suitable husband and making proper arrangements” (2009, 56). This statement succinctly summarizes the Biblical-C View; the father is the responsible party for matters concerning romantic pursuit until marriage.
It is healthy to analyze this view from the other side of the line as well. Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams also address courtship, but from a slightly different light. They summarize the Biblical-C View in these words, “In general, this model claims that God’s way (or the biblical way) to find a mate is through a method of courtship where, through God’s prompting, you identify a potential marriage partner before you ever spend intimate, one-on-one time with that person.” They go on to address the issues with this kind of approach to romantic pursuit listing things such as: over spiritualizing your selfish desires, finding a shortcut to the bonding process that dating offers, and placing the proverbial cart before the horse by creating an expectation for commitment way too soon (Young and Adams 2001, 25). As with any philosophy, there are extremes and haters, Baucham, Young, and Adams do well in displaying the spectrum of the Biblical-C View.
The issue that must be addressed is how a person with a Biblical-C View responds to breakups. The simple answer is that they don’t. There is no “breakup”. Within this philosophy, one does not commit to someone until the family has already decided that the relationship is heading for marriage. It is hard to find substantial discussion on this specific thought, but one can draw a conclusion based on the underlying philosophy of courtship. Families, fathers, and singles that uphold a Biblical-C View will not experience the traditional “breakup”; they will simply say that based on their discernment and prayer, that the romantic pursuit “is not the will of God” or “is an unwise decision.” Though these may seem like excuses and though this view may seem controlling on the father’s part, there is a legitimate motivation from a loving father to hold to this approach. Again, Baucham illuminates the conversation, “So many young women devote inordinate amounts of time to dating relationships. They spend every waking moment with their boyfriends or thinking about being with them. There are dates, visits, and extensive phone conversations, not to mention endless hours of daydreaming, fantasizing, and romanticizing” (Baucham 2009, 169). He goes on to express his desire to keep his daughter from having multiple dating experiences with guys who will not be her husband, who he describes as, “people who ended up as distractions you tried to forget when you got married” (Baucham 2009, 169). A breakup, within an ideal courtship, does not happen. There is a slow, methodical process to discerning whether or not the father allows his daughter to become attached to the male pursuer; and in that discernment, the father holds the authority to simply say, “no”.
To close the discussion on the Biblical-C View, two unaddressed issues and questions will be presented. First, how does a father keep his daughter’s heart from over-committing in this style of approach? Though he may hold the responsibility of ending a romantic pursuit, he has simply shifted the role of heartbreak from the pursuer to himself. The daughter will still experience attachment and loss even under this “protective” approach. Second, at what age does this patriarchal approach end? What if the daughter grows into her thirties? What if she has a calling of singleness in her life (1 Corinthians 7)? There is a heavy mist that needs to be clarified; there must be not only an explanation of the philosophy but an answer to the “what-ifs” that surround courtship. Other questions could be and should be, raised surrounding the Biblical-C View, but these two are pertinent in the discussion on breakups. They greatly impact those who are pursuing and being pursued under this mantra of courtship. Until these two questions are adequately dealt with, a haze will continue to fall around courtship.
Biblical-D View
Aside from courtship and the Biblical-C View, there is a prominent approach to romantic pursuit within Christianity—dating. Christian dating is (or at least should be) different than the secular approach to dating found in the Evolutionary View, which is why it will be labeled as the Biblical-D View. This view of dating is not as much of a rarity in Christian culture and writing as the Biblical-C View. There are stellar books that have been written concerning the subject, many have been harnessed for the sake of this paper. When scoping Christian culture from a thirty-thousand-foot viewpoint, it appears that flocks of Christians have adapted this style of romantic pursuit into their lives. Is this good? Is this right? Is this healthy? Is this best? Are there adverse effects coming to fruition within the church from this? Most importantly, how is the nasty side of the dating process affecting Christians and the church; how is breakup culture impacting the health of God’s people? A lot goes into these questions, and especially the final one. Although a plethora of writing has been accomplished in the Christian realm on dating, the amount that has addressed breakups in depth is slim—this is a need.
Not much time will be spent on defining Christian dating due to it being an adaptation from the previously discussed, worldly view of dating and the slew of conversations that is out on the topic. However, some parameters should be outlined in the discussion on the Biblical-D View. Christian authors across the board will all observe Christian dating as needing to be done from purpose. In the opening chapter of Outdated, Jonathan Pokluda addresses the lie that “the purpose of dating is to have fun” and the truth that “it’s a lot more fun when you date with the right purpose” (2021, 21). Gary Thomas’s first subheading in the first chapter of Sacred Search is entitled “A Better Way”, where he addresses that the world’s purposes for dating—romantic attraction, sexual chemistry, and relational compatibility—are not enough to sustain a meaningful marriage and relationship (2021, 18). Les and Leslie Parrott, leading Christian marital counselors and spokespeople have written shelves of resources on premarital material. Their targeted work, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, confronts questions and myths surrounding dating and marriage—establishing a need for purpose in romantic pursuit. In Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend state, “The Biblical Position on dating would be to date in a holy way” (2000, 11). The list could go on, but the fact has been established that the major differentiating factor between Christian dating and that of the world, is that there is (or should be) true purpose in the romantic pursuit.
It is within the Biblical-D View that the need for investigation is found. The ultimate question that needs to be answered is, “how are breakups affecting culture, and most importantly, Christianity?” Eric and Leslie Ludy wrote a book entitled When God Writes Your Love Story. The premise of the book is to turn your romantic pursuits over to the Lord and not try to do it your way. Within the book, Leslie shares a personal testimony that expertly summarizes the thoughts, heart, and mind of a Christian on the adverse end of breakup culture. She says:
I found out quickly that my dating life was not going to be the blissful experience I had imagined it would be. No one prepared me for the emotional pain involved in this lifestyle. Every time a relationship ended, it felt like someone has reached inside my chest and ripped my heart out, then shattered it on the ground into a million pieces. I had never known such pain.
And thus began the vicious cycle. Each time a relationship ended, whether it had been serious or casual, long-term or only two weeks long, I felt crushed emotionally and went on a desperate search for another boyfriend.
Dating became like an addictive drug to me: I used relationships to help me feel confident and secure in life. If I was ever without a guy, I became agitated, restless, and insecure. So I made sure those times were rare.
The longer I was in a relationship, the more of myself—my energy, my time, my affection, and my emotion—I poured into the guy I was dating. We would stay on the phone for hours each night, discussing dreams, fears, and desires, and declaring our love and passion for each other. We would spend every minute of our free time together. Between classes we could be found in the hallway entangled in each other’s arms. Lots of times, I felt like I was all but married to the guy I was dating. I told him everything, and I gave him nearly everything. I built my world around him in every possible way. (2009, 96-97)
Ludy’s transparency reveals the reality that so many Christians are living in, but do not know how to express. There is a similar recognition of the ugly side of dating in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, a book by Joshua Harris that once stormed conservative Christianity. The book is written from the premise that all of his past mistakes led him to understand that courtship was the better option. He found that he too was given over to heartbreak, lust, and had the habits of a serial dater (2003, Chapter 1). Though this book has been greatly shunned in recent years, it speaks measures to the realities of Christian dating and the lack of commitment that exists. That same lack of commitment is the source of the break-up paradigm.
The conversation has been vast surrounding Christian dating, and nearly every author has addressed breaking up without thoroughly acknowledging its impacts. The Biblical-D View carries many opinions on this matter of break-ups; authors have shared their views, and most are in agreeance on the reasons that a Christian should break things off in a relational pursuit. What reasons are there for one to cause and absorb pain like what is mentioned in Ludy’s testimony and the aforementioned psychological research? The permission for a breakup within the confines of Christian dating may best be shown in Young and Adams’s statement, “The success or failure of an intimate relationship is strongly influenced by one’s choice of mate. Selecting a person with the right characteristics is perhaps the most important prerequisite for attaining the ideal of a close, personal relationship” (2001, xvii). Here, the authors expertly express the severity of dating. Marital pursuit is not to be taken lightly, and because of this, when there is good reason to end a relationship, a Christian often will. Pokluda summarizes well the major reasons that a Christian should call off a romantic pursuit: being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), addiction to a substance or sin, anger that is unbridled, and adulterous habits—including pornography (2021, 174-179). Thomas again masterfully summarizes this conversation: “Most of us will get one chance to build a family that seeks first God’s kingdom. Wanting the best person to seek that kingdom with is being a good steward of your life. It’s being kind to your future children. It’s a gift to God’s church. It’s a powerful witness to the outside world. It’s an act of love” (2021, 203). The leading experts in this conversation on Christian dating all agree that breakups are an okay part of the dating process. Each of them paints justifiable lines by which to follow when choosing to break up. Clearly, there is a healthy path that is unfolding within this paradigm that culture is facing.
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