Christian Living

The Effects of Breakups on Culture and Christianity – Part II

May 30, 2022 | Christian Living, Dating, Relationships, Series, Wisdom | No Comments

Phycological Research and Impact

Though much of conservative Christianity opposes modern-day secular psychology, there are great needs that are being revealed from genuine evidence within that realm. The specifics that will be analyzed and reviewed here are those pertaining to breakups within culture. In fact, within the hard evidence that modern studies are revealing rests the need for this writing. Karin and Robert J. Sternberg (editors) recently released the second edition of their work The New Psychology of Love. In it, David M. Buss presents a concerning revelation: “Falling out of love has many dark sides. ‘Love’s pleasure lasts but a moment; love’s sorrow lasts all through life’ (Celestine, a French writer of fables). The crash can be physically dangerous for women and psychologically traumatic for both sexes. Hearts broken from love lost rate among the most stressful life events a person can experience, exceeded in psychological pain only by horrific events such as a child dying … Losing love, in short, remains traumatic, both for the dumper and the dumpee.” Buss even goes as far as to state, “In our recent studies, we found that an alarming number of men who are unceremoniously dumped begin to have homicidal fantasies… The mere loss of love is enough to make a man homicidal” (2019, 54- 55). This research and the results thereof display the extreme realities of heartbreak that can result from a mere breakup. In just a few short pages of his writing, Buss will go on to support these causes with evolutionary processes, but the goal of this paper will be to explain these respected psychological results through a Christian and Biblical view.

The evidence previously discussed should not come as a surprise, and the effects of this evidence are vastly reaching. Author and Pastor, Gary Thomas recognizes this reality in his recently updated and revised book, The Sacred Search when he handles Buss’s comments: “It’s not the same for everyone, of course, but some people have been known to die from a heart attack or stroke following depression caused by a romantic breakup…Your hurt is real, even though it’s emotional” (2021, 37). Research conducted in 2011 reports, “Although most adults are resilient following romantic breakups, some experience symptoms similar to those of bereavement including intrusive thoughts, insomnia and depression. In a study conducted by our group, university students who experienced romantic breakups had elevated scores on intrusive thoughts, difficulty controlling intrusive thoughts and insomnia scales (Field, Diego, Pelaez, Deeds, & Delgado, 2009)” (Field, 2011). Aside from the personal impact of breaking up, there is also the sad reality that “hurt people, hurt people.” Stephan Labossiere, modern-day counselor and social media influencer discusses this in his book Finding Love After Heartbreak: Volume 1. He states, “We live in a world actively engaged in an extreme, ongoing cycle of existence. Damaged, hurt broken people are passing their damage, hurt, and dysfunctional brokenness onto each other” (2019, 57). This psychological impact is both inward, toward oneself, and outward, toward others.

Beyond this impact remains the understanding that this will impact men and women respectively. One gender is not more or less susceptible to the effects and impact of breakups, though the effects may be different. This is grounded in the Biblical truth that men and women are different (Genesis 1:27). The scope of this writing will not allow for a major analysis of this point, but John and Stasi Eldredge address these differences in their books Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul and Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. Women and men have different comprehensions of romantic pursuits and relationships. Staci Eldredge acknowledges in Captivating that even at a young age, many women and girls desired to “be the beauty, abducted by the bad guys, fought for and rescued by a hero” (2010, 9). It is this “dream” that becomes seemingly ripped away from someone in the event of a breakup. The knight in shining armor now appears to be the rider of the evil dragon. Fire has been breathed, and pain has been caused; certainly, this pain is real. On the other end of the spectrum, one sees “capes and swords, camouflage, bandanas and six-shooters—these are the uniforms of boyhood. Little boys yearn to know they are powerful, they are dangerous, they are someone to be reckoned with” (Eldredge 2010, 10). Here is displayed the heart of man at its youngest ages of development—he longs to succeed and to be the hero. What an excruciating reality it is for a man to experience sheer defeat when the one he is pursuing all but tears away his hopes. The effects are experienced differently because God created males and females differently.

One final element that demands attention in this discussion is the ever-prevalent reality of how sex plays into dating relationships and breakups. To clarify, it is this author’s position that sex is not dirty; rather, it is an act which was ordained by God to be used for selfless pleasure toward one’s spouse within the confines of a marital covenant, and that it is to be done in such a heart attitude that it should glorify God (Eggerichs 2004, 251) (Proverbs 5:19, Hebrews 13:4). This discussion is one that would not have to be mentioned if the world were perfect, nevertheless, reality usurps wishful thinking. Timothy Lane with Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation lays out the status quo mindset of culture toward sex and dating in four simple statements:

“We love each other and are faithful to each other, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex before we get married.

Isn’t it a good idea to see if we’re sexually compatible before we get married?

Don’t make sex before marriage unto such a big deal—everyone does it.

I’m not going to let other people make me feel guilty just because I don’t buy into their value system.” (2009, 3)

The average person who dates does not see the issue with sex outside of marriage. There is a lot that goes into this view that will not be discussed here, but it boils down to the wrong placement of God in their minds and lives.

There are two drastic views that would divide the dating culture: we can have sex before marriage, and we cannot have sex before marriage. Why does this matter? It matters because sex has a neurological impact on the mind (which is associated with the inner man) that can cause a breakup to have a worse effect on a person. Studies have shown that during intercourse and at the time of climax, endorphins (groups of hormones) are released. Russell Eisenman, Ph.D. asserts that these endorphins which are released are those which are responsible for the “feel good” feeling that humans get (2008). This is why it is viewed as nothing more than a pleasure for most people. J Bancroft summarizes this reality well: “An increase of endorphin levels during sexual activity in humans is presumed to contribute to attachment and bonding between partners, similar to that of a mother and her newborn” (2005). This attachment is the danger. When one adds this hormonal process that inhibits an attachment mechanism on top of the previously discussed male and female psychological effects, one has established a terrifying foundation for adverse outcomes at the time of a breakup. Again, time, space, and scope do not permit adequate discussion here, but the truth is presented. There is a great psychological impact that is surfacing due to the breakup paradigm that culture and Christianity are facing.

References

Bancroft, J. “The Endocrinology of Sexual Arousal.” joe. BioScientifica, September 1, 2005. https://joe.bioscientifica.com/view/journals/joe/186/3/1860411.xml.

Baucham, Voddie. What He Must Be…if He Wants to Marry My Daughter. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Books, 2009.

Buss, David M. 2019. “The Evolution of Love in Humans.” In The New Psychology of Love, edited by Sternberg, Robert J., and Karin Sternberg, 42-63. Cambridge University Press, 2019.

Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000.

Eggerichs, Emerson. Love & Respect: the Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.

Eisenman, Russell. “Scientific Insights Regarding the Orgasm: Europe’s Journal of Psychology.” Scientific Insights Regarding the Orgasm| Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 2008.https://ejop.psychopen.eu/index.php/ejop/article/view/430/html.

Eldredge, John, and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2010.

Eldredge, John. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2010.

Farrel, Bill, and Pam Farrel. Single Men Are Like Waffles, Single Women Are Like Spaghetti: Friendship, Romance, and Relationships That Work. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Pub, 2008.

Field, Tiffany. “Romantic Breakups, Heartbreak and Bereavement-Romantic Breakups.” Psychology. Scientific Research Publishing, July 25, 2011. https://www.scirp.org/html/6296.html.

Getlen, Larry. “The Fascinating History of How Courtship Became ‘Dating’.” New York Post. New York Post, July 26, 2017. https://nypost.com/2016/05/15/the-fascinating-history-of-how-courtship-became-dating/.

Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Publishers, 2003.

Lane, Timothy S. Sex before Marriage: How Far Is Too Far? New Growth Press, 2009.

Ludy, Eric, and Leslie Ludy. When God Writes Your Love Story: the Ultimate Guide to Guy/Girl Relationships. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books, 2009.

Masonheimer, Phylicia. Stop Calling Me Beautiful. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, U.S, 2020.

Parrott, Les, and Leslie L. Parrott. Saving Your Marriage before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask before–and after–Your Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015.

Pokluda, Jonathan, and Kevin McConaghy. Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed. Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2021.

“Psychology.” Merriam-Webster. Merriam-Webster, 2021. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/psychology.

Thomas, Gary. The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not about Who You Marry, but Why? Colorado Springs, CO: David C Cook, 2021.

Unger, Merrill F. The New UNGER’S Bible Dictionary. Edited by R. K. Harrison, Howard Frederic Vos, and Cyril J. Barber. Moody Publishers, 2005.

Weigel, Moira. Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2016.

Young, Ben, and Sam Adams. The One: a Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate. Nashville, TN: T. Nelson Publishers, 2001.

By Hunter See

The Effects of Breakups on Culture and Christianity – Part I

May 16, 2022 | Christian Living, Dating, Relationships, Series, Wisdom | No Comments

Introduction

In the last century, there has been a shift in culture—a disruption in the status quo of relational interaction. Specifically, amidst the process of two people going from friendship to marriage. A new course has sieged the relational scene and is now dominating the arena, this course is what is known as dating. This paradigm shift has introduced a flood of new questions and concerns into all relationships across the spectrum—be it friendships, familial relationships, workplace relationships, or the actual romantic interest that is intended to lead to marriage (or not lead to marriage). The subtopic up for discussion here is the breakups that result from this dating paradigm. Although it has been over a century since the dating and breakup paradigms have entered society, counselors, pastors, and average church people are still ill-equipped to handle them; consequently, this topic needs to be analyzed, processed, and addressed through a proper, psychological, and biblical lens.

Context—A Burden Carried

With the shift in courtship, romantic interest, and dating storming the culture, inevitably the church is seeing the effects of this young paradigm as well. There are countless divorced people, widowed spouses, young adults, and teenagers that have been reared knowing nothing but a romantic pursuit that is filled with rejection, risk, heartbreak, and turmoil (Young and Adams 2001, 60). Breakups seemingly strike these demographics in ways that are detrimental to their hearts (speaking of the inner man; the thoughts, passions, desires, feelings, and wants) and relational health (Thomas 2021, 30-41). Sadly, breakups have been normalized as if people are expendable, as if hearts are not fragile, as if relationships are for individuals. This culture that has been created around serial dating—a term used in Jonathan Pokluda’s new book, Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed—has produced serial breakups and is leaving the church in great need (Pokluda 2021, 171). Through a proper biblical lens, there is hope for those ransacked by this paradigm shift and the negative effects thereof.

A History of Dating—Briefly Covered

The history of dating is easily tracked given the slim amount of time that society has had to adapt to it as a regularity; however, there are not many easily-accessible resources on the history of dating. Dating finds its origins in the early 1900s, storming the forefront of culture and publicity in the 1920s (Getlin, 2016). Larry Getlin makes note of this in his article, commenting on the primary source that will be under review in this section, Labor of Love: the Invention of Dating. One fact worthy of noting is that Labor of Love: the Invention of Dating is a history of the dating paradigm from the perspective of a feminist, Moira Weigel. However, there is still much to be gleaned from her comments and research about dating and its origins.

The concept of dating formed as an alternative and outflow from a classic courtship model; some time will be spent on the differences and contrast of these two in a later section of this writing. A “need” seemed to rise for women as society began to see women going into cities—leaving homes, farms, and small businesses—to work jobs in mainstream companies. Moira Weigel would define dating as, “the form that courtship takes in a society where it takes place in a free market” (2016, 7). To Weigel’s point, as America was shifting in its culture, romantic pursuit began to inadvertently adapt. No longer were traditional parents setting up their children through family members and matchmakers, like in the Old Country where a community was the controlling element of courtship (Weigel 2016, 14). Courting and dating are used in modern days nearly interchangeably, but this is not the truth. The two are drastically different, and understanding this difference is key in obtaining a solid perspective of dating in its roots.

It is important to understand the heart behind dating as well, referring to the motives and intents that dating spawned from and ushered people towards. Weigel summarizes this by stating,

The old-fashioned practices of chaperoned courtship and calling had drawn clear lines between the worlds of men and women. Dating undid them. It took courtship out of the private sphere and into the public places. It transferred control over the process from the older generation to the younger generation, from the group to the individual, and from women to men. (Weigel 2016, 20)

One will notice the three major contrasts that Weigel takes note of in the final sentence of her paragraph. There was a reluctance toward any form of Biblical authority. No longer did young people want to be told by their parents who to marry. No longer did people want to have others holding them accountable in a family-group setting. No longer did women want to be the ones submitting to men in the leading of the courting process. Though there are without doubt some good notes to be taken in terms of individual discernment and mutual interest regarding romantic pursuit, there is an obvious sense of rebellion that had awoken as society shifted from courting to dating.

This history is crucial when discussing breakups; without it one cannot grasp the full scope of where and how breakups entered the timeline of romantic pursuits. A couple more noteworthy facts should be mentioned before moving on. First, the term dating was coined in 1896 by a writer named George Ade. Ade wrote in a weekly column for The Chicago Record and wrote a story in which a young man confronted a girl who began to see other men. In the story, the young man is recorded as saying, “I s’pose the other boy’s fillin’ all my dates?” (referring to the dates on the calendar)—thus the “date” was born (Weigel 2016, 12). Last, dating was viewed in a very negative sense by much of society as it began to come to the forefront of romance in the early 1900s. Weigel writes extensively about how women were viewed, but Getlin summarizes her records well in his article. He says, “When those single women, stripped from their dependency on fathers and husbands, began to be courted in public, police, politicians, and civic leaders were alarmed” (Getlin, 2016). Much more could be covered on dating and its origins. The grand takeaways for the sake of this writing should be that dating was an adaptation and mutation of a prior form of romantic pursuit known as courtship, the heart of dating was not one of godly origins, and dating was not viewed in a positive light by the mainstream media for decades.