Christian Living

The Effects of Breakups on Culture and Christianity – Part I

May 16, 2022 | Christian Living, Dating, Relationships, Series, Wisdom | No Comments

Introduction

In the last century, there has been a shift in culture—a disruption in the status quo of relational interaction. Specifically, amidst the process of two people going from friendship to marriage. A new course has sieged the relational scene and is now dominating the arena, this course is what is known as dating. This paradigm shift has introduced a flood of new questions and concerns into all relationships across the spectrum—be it friendships, familial relationships, workplace relationships, or the actual romantic interest that is intended to lead to marriage (or not lead to marriage). The subtopic up for discussion here is the breakups that result from this dating paradigm. Although it has been over a century since the dating and breakup paradigms have entered society, counselors, pastors, and average church people are still ill-equipped to handle them; consequently, this topic needs to be analyzed, processed, and addressed through a proper, psychological, and biblical lens.

Context—A Burden Carried

With the shift in courtship, romantic interest, and dating storming the culture, inevitably the church is seeing the effects of this young paradigm as well. There are countless divorced people, widowed spouses, young adults, and teenagers that have been reared knowing nothing but a romantic pursuit that is filled with rejection, risk, heartbreak, and turmoil (Young and Adams 2001, 60). Breakups seemingly strike these demographics in ways that are detrimental to their hearts (speaking of the inner man; the thoughts, passions, desires, feelings, and wants) and relational health (Thomas 2021, 30-41). Sadly, breakups have been normalized as if people are expendable, as if hearts are not fragile, as if relationships are for individuals. This culture that has been created around serial dating—a term used in Jonathan Pokluda’s new book, Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed—has produced serial breakups and is leaving the church in great need (Pokluda 2021, 171). Through a proper biblical lens, there is hope for those ransacked by this paradigm shift and the negative effects thereof.

A History of Dating—Briefly Covered

The history of dating is easily tracked given the slim amount of time that society has had to adapt to it as a regularity; however, there are not many easily-accessible resources on the history of dating. Dating finds its origins in the early 1900s, storming the forefront of culture and publicity in the 1920s (Getlin, 2016). Larry Getlin makes note of this in his article, commenting on the primary source that will be under review in this section, Labor of Love: the Invention of Dating. One fact worthy of noting is that Labor of Love: the Invention of Dating is a history of the dating paradigm from the perspective of a feminist, Moira Weigel. However, there is still much to be gleaned from her comments and research about dating and its origins.

The concept of dating formed as an alternative and outflow from a classic courtship model; some time will be spent on the differences and contrast of these two in a later section of this writing. A “need” seemed to rise for women as society began to see women going into cities—leaving homes, farms, and small businesses—to work jobs in mainstream companies. Moira Weigel would define dating as, “the form that courtship takes in a society where it takes place in a free market” (2016, 7). To Weigel’s point, as America was shifting in its culture, romantic pursuit began to inadvertently adapt. No longer were traditional parents setting up their children through family members and matchmakers, like in the Old Country where a community was the controlling element of courtship (Weigel 2016, 14). Courting and dating are used in modern days nearly interchangeably, but this is not the truth. The two are drastically different, and understanding this difference is key in obtaining a solid perspective of dating in its roots.

It is important to understand the heart behind dating as well, referring to the motives and intents that dating spawned from and ushered people towards. Weigel summarizes this by stating,

The old-fashioned practices of chaperoned courtship and calling had drawn clear lines between the worlds of men and women. Dating undid them. It took courtship out of the private sphere and into the public places. It transferred control over the process from the older generation to the younger generation, from the group to the individual, and from women to men. (Weigel 2016, 20)

One will notice the three major contrasts that Weigel takes note of in the final sentence of her paragraph. There was a reluctance toward any form of Biblical authority. No longer did young people want to be told by their parents who to marry. No longer did people want to have others holding them accountable in a family-group setting. No longer did women want to be the ones submitting to men in the leading of the courting process. Though there are without doubt some good notes to be taken in terms of individual discernment and mutual interest regarding romantic pursuit, there is an obvious sense of rebellion that had awoken as society shifted from courting to dating.

This history is crucial when discussing breakups; without it one cannot grasp the full scope of where and how breakups entered the timeline of romantic pursuits. A couple more noteworthy facts should be mentioned before moving on. First, the term dating was coined in 1896 by a writer named George Ade. Ade wrote in a weekly column for The Chicago Record and wrote a story in which a young man confronted a girl who began to see other men. In the story, the young man is recorded as saying, “I s’pose the other boy’s fillin’ all my dates?” (referring to the dates on the calendar)—thus the “date” was born (Weigel 2016, 12). Last, dating was viewed in a very negative sense by much of society as it began to come to the forefront of romance in the early 1900s. Weigel writes extensively about how women were viewed, but Getlin summarizes her records well in his article. He says, “When those single women, stripped from their dependency on fathers and husbands, began to be courted in public, police, politicians, and civic leaders were alarmed” (Getlin, 2016). Much more could be covered on dating and its origins. The grand takeaways for the sake of this writing should be that dating was an adaptation and mutation of a prior form of romantic pursuit known as courtship, the heart of dating was not one of godly origins, and dating was not viewed in a positive light by the mainstream media for decades.

References

Bancroft, J. “The Endocrinology of Sexual Arousal.” joe. BioScientifica, September 1, 2005. https://joe.bioscientifica.com/view/journals/joe/186/3/1860411.xml.

Baucham, Voddie. What He Must Be…if He Wants to Marry My Daughter. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Books, 2009.

Buss, David M. 2019. “The Evolution of Love in Humans.” In The New Psychology of Love, edited by Sternberg, Robert J., and Karin Sternberg, 42-63. Cambridge University Press, 2019.

Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000.

Eggerichs, Emerson. Love & Respect: the Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.

Eisenman, Russell. “Scientific Insights Regarding the Orgasm: Europe’s Journal of Psychology.” Scientific Insights Regarding the Orgasm| Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 2008.https://ejop.psychopen.eu/index.php/ejop/article/view/430/html.

Eldredge, John, and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2010.

Eldredge, John. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2010.

Farrel, Bill, and Pam Farrel. Single Men Are Like Waffles, Single Women Are Like Spaghetti: Friendship, Romance, and Relationships That Work. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Pub, 2008.

Field, Tiffany. “Romantic Breakups, Heartbreak and Bereavement-Romantic Breakups.” Psychology. Scientific Research Publishing, July 25, 2011. https://www.scirp.org/html/6296.html.

Getlen, Larry. “The Fascinating History of How Courtship Became ‘Dating’.” New York Post. New York Post, July 26, 2017. https://nypost.com/2016/05/15/the-fascinating-history-of-how-courtship-became-dating/.

Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Publishers, 2003.

Lane, Timothy S. Sex before Marriage: How Far Is Too Far? New Growth Press, 2009.

Ludy, Eric, and Leslie Ludy. When God Writes Your Love Story: the Ultimate Guide to Guy/Girl Relationships. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books, 2009.

Masonheimer, Phylicia. Stop Calling Me Beautiful. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, U.S, 2020.

Parrott, Les, and Leslie L. Parrott. Saving Your Marriage before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask before–and after–Your Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015.

Pokluda, Jonathan, and Kevin McConaghy. Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed. Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2021.

“Psychology.” Merriam-Webster. Merriam-Webster, 2021. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/psychology.

Thomas, Gary. The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not about Who You Marry, but Why? Colorado Springs, CO: David C Cook, 2021.

Unger, Merrill F. The New UNGER’S Bible Dictionary. Edited by R. K. Harrison, Howard Frederic Vos, and Cyril J. Barber. Moody Publishers, 2005.

Weigel, Moira. Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2016.

Young, Ben, and Sam Adams. The One: a Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate. Nashville, TN: T. Nelson Publishers, 2001.

By hunter.see

Psalm 90 – God’s Time

January 24, 2022 | Balance, Christian Living | No Comments

“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom” ~ Psalm 90:12

Time, what a mystery. Always fleeing from us yet ever pursuing after us. Easily measurable yet nearly indefinable. The title of this post is “God’s Time”, which, in and of itself sounds mysterious as it is. The concept to be discussed here is: what should I do with God’s time? There is a rather rudimentary foundation that is to be understood when delving into this question, and that is: all is God’s. All of creation. The visible and the invisible (Colossians 1:16). Even time itself, as we understand it would have begun when God said, “let there be light.” (Genesis 1:3) So, if time is indeed God’s, then we have a responsibility to God regarding His time.

Human responsibility is a discussion all to itself, but Scripture presents a clear case that there is some expectation of man to respond to God in some way pertaining to His creation. 1 Corinthians 4:2 states that “it is required in stewards that a man be found faithful.” This is contextually speaking to the mysteries of the wisdom of God compared to the wisdom of the world. In that context, I do think that you could make a case that time management would eventually fit in here, but I am looking mostly at the principle that Paul is referencing here—stewards (managers) are to be faithful. Few people would argue with this concept. If you trust someone to do something, whether it is for hire or voluntarily, you expect that it is done well.

This brings us to our main text, Psalm 90:12. Here, we find one of, if not the, oldest Psalms in all of the Hebrew songbook. Moses being the author, we get a prayer from the man that God took from a life-shattering sin and seclusion to speaking on God’s behalf to the most prominent man in all of the known world at the time—Pharaoh. However, this Psalm appears to take place in Moses’s later years. It seems that he is recounting all that he has seen and beheld at the hand of God over his lifespan. Don’t miss this, this is one of those times where the authorship REALLY contributes to the contextual compliments of a text.

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Authorship

Moses had lived forty years in Egypt, forty years on the backside of the desert, and another forty years in the wilderness wanderings of the Israelites. He had a resumé of life experience that exceeded most biblical characters. School of hard-knocks?—Graduated. He knew what it was like to see God’s hand of providence as his mother put him in a basket and sent him down the mighty Nile only to find him back in her arms shortly thereafter. He knew what it was like to be raised in the house of Pharaoh with wealth and splendor at his fingertips. He knew what it was like to sin big (forgive the terrible theological terminology there) when he murdered a man and fled from all that he knew and loved. He knew what it was like to see life seemingly waste away as he stood in a desert as a shepherd working for his father-in-law, Jethro. He knew what it was like to see God shatter the laws of nature with a bush that was on fire yet never consumed. He knew what it was like to feel a call and purpose of God on his life as God took Moses in spite of Moses and used him to change the course of history and the world through the Exodus of the Hebrew nation. He knew what it was like to lead from the top and fail like you’re at the bottom. Lastly, he knew what it was like to watch an entire generation, who gave their hearts over to faithless rebellion die off, one by one, as they wandered in circles for forty years. Moses. A man of God.

{Deuteronomy 33:1}

———-

Application

This man now pens a prayer and as he builds toward what we now call verse ten, covers God’s provision and protection (verse 1); His eternality (verses 2,4); His judgment and wrath (verses 3,7,9,11); and His superiority over man (verses 5,6,8,10). All of these points that Moses addresses about God would humble any sincere believer. Then comes verse twelve—the application. “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.” The first half of this verse is literally, “teach us how to count our days (time). This seems like a strange concept when thought of this way, but most people are familiar with counting, or budgeting, their time. We call this making a schedule or keeping a calendar, by why should we do this? The second half of the verse reveals the answer to this question—to apply our hearts to wisdom.

Why take the time to manage your time? Well, it is because God has given only so much time to you in your life, and you need to spend it in a way that is pleasing unto Him (applying your heart to wisdom). All thoughts, feeling, desires and choices should be directed toward the One Who grants us every second. One man said this, “Procrastination is the arrogant assumption that God owes you another opportunity to do what you had time to do.” Ecclesiastes 12:1 sums this principle up well. Beyond that reality, we truly never know when time will run out. In the last year of ministry, I have experienced the passing of two fourteen-year-old boys within our church family. No one expected this, but the reality of death struck, and their time was no more. I believe William Shakespeare understood the reality of time when he penned these words:

“Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our miniutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.”
(Shakespeare, Sonnet 60)

So, next time you are challenged with laziness or procrastination, and you don’t want to take the time to manage your time, remember: Moses, a man of God, under inspiration of God, charges you to number, count, manage your days and time so that you can apply your heart unto wisdom.

Until we write again…..

In, for, and because of Christ,

Hunter V.S. See

By Hunter See

The Balance of Knowledge

November 15, 2021 | Balance, Christian Living, knowledge | No Comments

Many attributes throughout Scripture can be taken too far or not taken far enough. Some of the qualities that Christians are called to strive for can challenge a person’s balance of humility and pride. This battle is found in multiple aspects of the Christian life, but none may be so prominent as the apprehension of knowledge.

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One: The Wisdom of Learning

As Solomon was penning his immense work of proverbial statements and thoughts to his sons, he provided an introduction. Within this introduction, he exhorts his sons that “A wise man will hear, and will increase in learning; a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels.” The first portion of this verse is where attention must be given. Solomon states that someone who is choosing to walk in wisdom will increase in learning.

However, this is not a passive increase; it is intentional. Notice, “will hear.” This sounds an alarm to Jesus’s words famous remarks about having “ears to hear.” This specific phrase is used eight times in the gospels and is always used to describe someone who not only hears words enter their ears but has an attitude of heeding what they have heard. There is intentionality.

Beyond Solomon’s instructions, the New Testament flagbearer charges his young disciple in the faith to “study to show yourself approved, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” Notice the standard—study for approval from God. Every once in a while, in the text of Scripture, we come across a command and an expectation that presents an endless task. This is one of them. When God does this, I have come to understand that it is subtle instruction to continue this task throughout all your life. Learning, study, and diligence are never to cease for the true disciple of Jesus Christ. Paul knew this and was desperately heralding this charge and responsibility to his mentee and son in the faith.

{Proverbs 1:5; 2 Timothy 2:15}

———-

Two: The Warning of Learning

Paul, a man who was academically superior to most of his equals gave an intense warning in his first epistle to the carnal Corinthian church. He warned them that “knowledge puffs up.” This may seem to be a strange warning given the emphasis on learning elsewhere in Scripture. However, this cautious instruction is not misplaced. The following discussion will be an overview of three Christian leaders’ views on the state of an overeducated church culture:

J. I. Packer – “For the fact that we have to face is this: If we pursue theological knowledge for its own sake, it is bound to go bad on us. It will make us proud and conceited. The very greatness of the subject power will intoxicate us, and we shall come to think of ourselves a cut above other Christians because of our interest in it and grasp of it; and we shall look down on those whose theological ideas seem to us crude and inadequate and dismiss them as very poor specimens. For, as Paul told the conceited Corinthians, ‘Knowledge puffs up… The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know,’ (1 Cor 8: 1-2)” (1973, 21). Here, Packer gives attention to the theoretical dangers of pursuing knowledge about God rather than pursuing God Himself.

Paul David Tripp discusses this concept in a very practical way in his book Dangerous Calling. He recounts his own experience in seminary, “I had spent hours each day for months studying perhaps the most extensive and gorgeous exposition of the gospel that has ever been written, and I had been fundamentally untouched by its message” (2015, 41). He goes on to discuss his concerns as he eventually ended up on the other side of the educational scene as an instructor. He comments, “Over the years I had heard way too much ‘Will we need to know this for the exam?’ and not enough ‘Help me understand how to live in light of what you are now teaching us’” (2015, 47) and “His study of the Word brings him again and again to his desk, but it seldom brings him to his knees” (2015, 55). It is observations like these from a man who has been paramount in influencing the practical theological scene over the last few decades that should raise concern to the student who studies for the sake of studying.

“His study of the Word brings him again and again to his desk, but it seldom brings him to his knees.”

Millard Erickson, the author of a premier textbook entitled Christian Theology, notices this risk in education as well. He addresses the modern-day context of Christian education and state, “Theology is now being done in a period characterized by, among other things, a ‘knowledge explosion.’ The amount of information is growing so rapidly that mastery of a large area of thought is becoming increasingly difficult. While this is especially true in technological areas, biblical and theological knowledge is also much broader than it once was. The result has been a much greater degree of specialization than previously required. In biblical studies, for example, New Testament scholars tend to specialize in the Gospels or in the Pauline writings. Church historians tend to specialize in one period, such as the Reformation. Consequently, research and publication are often in narrower are often in narrower areas and in greater depth” (2013, 48-49). Pardon the lengthy quote, but notice the trend—Packer, Tripp, and Erickson (all highly educated men) recognize that there is danger in knowledge.

{1 Corinthians 8:1b}

———-

As with many things in the Christian life, balance is essential. We don’t want to fall into the trap of a pendulum theology or pattern in our Christian life. As we grow in our maturity as Christians, we must learn to balance the task of diligent study with the danger of self-exaltation. We can get to the point that we think our knowledge itself is enough to be self-sufficient and lead ourselves away from dependence on God. Knowledge and learning are necessary for spiritual growth, but so are humility and lowliness. We cannot let the natural tendencies of our hearts steer us toward self-sufficiency but self-denial.

Until we write again…..

In, for, and because of Christ,

Hunter V.S. See

Tripp, P. D. (2015). Dangerous Calling: Confronting the Unique Challenges of Pastoral Ministry. Crossway.

Packer, J. I. (2021). Knowing God. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Erickson, Millard J. (2013). Christian Theology. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing Group.

By Hunter See

Twenty-five Lessons Learned by Twenty-five (no specific order):

August 2, 2021 | Christian Living, knowledge, Wisdom | No Comments

1. There is a thin line, but a big difference between a guilt trip and true leadership.

2. You can learn a lot more with a closed mouth and an open heart.

3. A Christ-like lifestyle speaks a lot louder than a powerful pulpiteer.

4. Information is currency, and it is worth the most inside of strong relationships.

5. Wisdom is scarce.

6. Money is one of the greatest tools in the hand of a surrendered heart.

7. Credibility with others is earned, not deserved.

8. One person can make a difference in any environment on a vast amount of people.

9. Ministry is not for the flippant of heart.

10. Worship is lifestyle.

11. Conflict is unavoidable, and not bad. It is how you respond that matters.

12. Integrity affects influence.

13. Every individual and their situation is different.

14. The Bible is truly sufficient.

15. Serving people will bring more joy into your life than any other endeavor.

16. God honors humility.

17. The strengths of others are a help, not a threat to you.

18. Christ is honored in excellence.

19. Man’s responsibility and God’s sovereignty do not conflict.

20. The Holy Spirit is much more active in New Testament ministry than we think.

21. God is working in ways we cannot see.

22. Never judge a person on their greatest failure.

23. God is faithful.

24. God is good.

25. God is in control.

By Hunter See

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