I was transitioning from 2020 to 2021, in between the roughest college semester I had experienced and the final semester of my bachelor’s degree. Everyone knows what 2020 brought with it for much of the world’s population. It was no different for me, the loss, the pain, the loneliness, the irritation, and the desire to just see things change were all there. In the midst of 2020 God had allowed yet another “special someone” to come into my life, and for about four or five months, man, we thought this was it.
You know? “The one.” Finally! Prayers are answered! The wait is over! Everything fits the mold perfectly! The facts and feelings both seemed to be pointing in the direction that God was truly in this pursuit that we were in together. Until an unfolding of fleshliness, impatience, selfishness, and stubbornness came to fruition on both our ends. It was over. It hurt, deeply, like always. But God was doing something in my heart. He was beginning to unveil a deeper level of my heart’s depravity than what I had endeavored into before.
You see, this wasn’t the first heartbreak I had experienced. It was certainly different and harder for a lot of reasons, but it wasn’t the first. And like always, you begin to deal with and sort through the emotions and thoughts that are flooding your soul. You try to blame them on the great tempter, Satan, but the truth is you know where those thoughts and feelings are originating from—your own heart. If you are an honest Christian, you eventually admit this in the heartbreak cycle and probably apologize to the person for a lot of things and repent to God for a lot of other things. But I had a minuscule sense of what God was truly toiling the soil of my heart for.
Like a giant combine (a monstrous piece of farming machinery) being driven by a master-farmer in a field with arduous soil; my heart was being beaten and ravaged as the Lord was trying to get more useless and unhealthy tendencies out of the soil so that fresh life could grow. Rocks of bitterness and weeds of cynicism with their roots woven penetratingly deep into the soil of my heart were being exposed and excavated out for my naïve eyes to behold. Roots that were producing harvests of unhealthy and withering crops and fruit in my life were being upheaved as the soil was being tilled and thoroughly but tenderly prepared.
Then.
BOOM.
A boulder.
Stop the machine! Work had to be put in on this one… Out of the soil of my heart came a truth that I did not want to face. Honestly? I had probably been the one who buried that boulder in the field, hoping that it would never surface, never be seen, and never get in the way. After every pursuit, every breakup, every heartbreak, every letdown; I had taken my shovel out to the field and thrown more dirt on it. I expertly molded the terrain around it so that it was unnoticeable to the average person; making sure that the soil masterfully appeared cohesive and natural in its formation. (We often want our heart’s wickedness to appear as if it is normal, natural, and not something that needs to be removed.) They would have never known it was there. I didn’t want to see it either, I certainly didn’t want to think about it, and I didn’t want to address it, nor admit to it…
So, what was this monstrosity of an issue?
I was bitter. But not toward a person, and certainly not toward someone I had been through a relationship with. I was bitter at God.
Wait! How could you!? Who do you think you are!?
I’m just being honest.
This massive issue that I had in my heart was deeply rooted in my relational history. I was bitter at God for my parent’s divorcing. I was bitter at God for an alcoholic stepfather. I was bitter at God for a relationship of three years ending when I was 18. I was bitter at God for “letting” me make stupid decisions in the Army (secretly a disguised way to blame Him for my choices.) I was bitter at God for not delivering to me a wife. After all, I had been seeking Him legitimately for years now and had repented of a lot of my youthful mistakes. I was bitter at God for the decisions that some of the people I had dated made. I blamed Him for them abandoning me. I was simply bitter at God that I was single. To be clear, I’ve read the books. I knew the answers. “You’re single because that’s where God wants you”; “God is in control”; “You’re not single, you’re just not yet married.” On my bookshelf is 15-20 books revolving around relationships with people in general and dating/marriage specifically. The head knowledge of God’s desire and delivering ability was there, but where were these promises in my life?
This brought me to the crossroads of my singleness.
I want to be honestly clear that I did not realize this was something as real as it truly was in my heart. The sovereignty of God had metamorphosed into a belief that allowed me to blame God in this area of my life. (I fear that we often blame the sovereignty of God for much of the slack concerning the responsibility of man that God has delegated to His creation, but that’s for another post.) Honestly, I had nothing else to complain about. God had been abundantly good to me and lavished grace and blessings into my life. Finances were comfortable, health was great, vehicles were of good quality, my house was beyond what I needed or deserved, ministry was flourishing, and education was progressing; but this one area, man, I couldn’t take. “I would give up all of these material things just for a wife and family, God,” I would say. I thought this was a noble prayer and I truly meant it…
Amidst that transition into 2021 that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I got back into my strong reading routine. I can go through one to two average-sized books in a week if I really want to. While I was getting back into that routine, God was using those books and my personal time with Him to answer the prayer that I just mentioned. The response that He was teaching my soul was something like this, “I know you may be willing to give up all of those things for a wifeand family, but that’s not what I’ve called you to and that’s not good enough. I’ve called you to be willing to give up all of those things for Me.”
…
…
…
Yup. That struck me like a lightning bolt.
What God had accomplished in my heart in those winter months was amazing. He showed me the deepest-rooted issue in my heart pertaining to my relationships. It was the same issue that would have been at the top of my list for anyone that came to me for counseling in this area of life. That person, that significant other, that wife, whoever she may be could not be the driving factor of what I was doing. It had to be God.
Man, I wish I would’ve grasped that on a real, heart level and not just known those words intellectually. I am convinced that it would have saved me and other’s very much heartbreak.
I’m not an expert on dating. I’m not an expert on singleness, but I did come to a crossroads in my singleness. This crossroads presented me with a choice—you can either keep going through the cycle that you are because of the current motivation of your heart, or you can once and for all, truly give it to Me and watch what I can do. In the book “When God Writes Your Love Story”, they refer to this as “giving God the pen of your life.” It is essentially submitting to Him truly writing what He knows is best for your life. Which in effect applies to your relational pursuits.
You see, God had exhausted my stubbornness. I was tired of wrestling with God over this. I felt like the Israelites as Psalm 78:34 records that they related to God, “When he slew them, then they sought him: and they returned and inquired early after God.” I had been slain. Why must we be slain in order to seek God? Why do we not just hear or read and follow? Why must we find ourselves in the modern-day sackcloth and ashes—loneliness and depression? Why must we be emptied rather than emptying ourselves? Why must we be humbled rather than humbling ourselves? Why must He bring us, like Job, to the end of ourselves in order to portray His greatness, awesomeness, and magnificence in a way that leaves us speechless?
…
{Genesis 32:22-30; Psalm 78:34}
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I wish I had all of the answers, but I am not the One who holds all wisdom. I wish I had the best advice, but I am not the Mighty Counselor. I do know Him though, and you can too. I have found His wisdom, counsel, and direction to be faultless and indisputable, and it can be for you too. I pray that this crossroads in my own singleness may be used by His masterful hand to aid you in seeing any issues that you too may have in your heart. Hopefully, this will prevent much heartbreak from being cased and received for you. Thank you for reading. I love you all, and God is good.
Some of them are lofty bliss, reaching celestial highs.
Others are filled with deepest woes, bringing men to dark places unknown.
Some bring storms so dark and tumultuous that life itself seems consumed in a void of hopelessness.
Others bring one to seashores and green pastures of peace, rest, and renewal of the soul.
In these cycles of change, the soul and heart are taken to their greatest limitations and stretched to their highest capacities. King Solomon had lived a long enough life to understand this reality. He displayed his grasp of this in Ecclesiastes 3, introducing the passage with, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Don’t miss that opening phrase. Solomon understood that the seasons of our lives are not only different but they are targeted. They have purpose. They are directed by One who understands all. They are times of temporality that serve eternal purposes and produce fruit in eternity. As Solomon would pen the proceeding seven verses, we cannot help but see the stark contrast between these individual seasons that Solomon identifies:
Being born, dying
Planting, uprooting
Killing, healing
Breaking down, building up
Weeping, laughing
Mourning, dancing
Casting away stones, gathering stones
Embracing, refraining from embracing
Gaining, losing
Keeping, casting away
Tearing, sewing,
Keeping silent, speaking
Loving, hating
War, peace
Each of these seasons presented by Solomon carry a tremendous weight of application in our lives. I believe most of these times and segments of our short lives can be placed into these categories. This isn’t a post about each of these seasons, rather just one of them. A time to be silent.
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One: Rooftops
We love our platforms, don’t we?
You see, each of us has rooftops, and I’m not talking about the shingle or metal on top of your house. I mean we each have platforms; we have influence. We have people that will listen. People that will side with us. People that will fight for us. People that will get madder than we are just because they care so much about us. People that believe in us and will always be in our corner. You know these people and groups, they’re the ones you call first. They’re the ones you spend time with at their houses and yours. They’re the ones that you confide in and they vent to you. They’re your tribe, your family, your group, your ride or dies, your followers, your friends, your brothers from other mothers, your mentors, your spouses, your children, etc. They make up the measurable quotient known as your influence.
Whether your influence reaches 5 or 5 million, you have a rooftop, and the natural leniency of man is to get on the rooftop the minute that something goes wrong—the minutes that something slips into the lack-of-control category—and shout for all to hear. We want to shout on our rooftops because we long for control, but I believe it is deeper than that. Deep down inside of us, we want to be able to control the image that others see. But, I think it’s even deeper than that… I think that even deeper down, in the sin-stricken subconscious of our soul, we want to still convince ourselves of the image that we present to everyone else. This issue is so deeply rooted in our DNA as fallen human beings that we rarely catch it. In its simplest sense, it is pride; in its most complex sense, it is us trying to be God in our own lives through the influence of others so that what we convince them of, they will eventually convince us of through reaffirmation of the very image that we have presented… Let that sink in for a sec.
“…so that what we convince them of, they will eventually convince us of through reaffirmation of the very image that we have presented…”
We have to war against that nature—that tendency—to be what God wants us to be. Let me explain, and then I’ll move to the next point. God desires for us to live lives of wisdom, integrity, and humility. He sends us seasons to be silent so that we can build and practice these spiritual disciplines. Solomon speaks of “a good name” in both Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. Each time this “good name” is said to be better than great riches and precious ointment. Beyond that, we are taught by Jesus and James that the tongue and our words carry with them an insurmountable power. Now watch this: We think that we maintain our good name by shouting from the rooftops of our lives (an effort to maintain the image—name—that we think we have), when, in actuality, what we need to do is not speak at all. Say nothing. Not a word. No defenses. No explanations. No discussions. This is not an American courtroom; this is the course of justice established by the Almighty at the moment He expended creative power and spoke reality into existence. By remaining silent, we allow the hand of God to take its course in our situation and season, and His hand always brings the best to pass.
There’s nothing wrong with staying on the rooftop, maintaining your influence and relationships. But try something in this season, instead of saying anything. Sit down, rest, wait, watch, and see.
“…this is the course of justice established by the Almighty at the moment He expended creative power and spoke reality into existence.”
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Two:Silence
Shout it from the rooftops! Make your voice heard! Tell your side of the story! Defend yourself! Speak your truth! Make sure everyone knows what really happened! Squash the assumptions! Prove you were right!
We have all heard each of these statements above. Whether we’ve heard them from others or those deep recesses of our hearts, we have heard them when we wanted to speak our minds about something. Amidst a time when accusations were brought against us, maybe we were being questioned about something we had done, or maybe we just saw a situation that we knew wasn’t right and thought that we needed to intervene. We are wired to think that we have the ability to fix. To fix others. To fix ourselves. To fix situations. To fix the world. When in reality, we break more than we fix. Often, the harder we try, the worse we make things.
So, how should we handle a time in our life when we feel every urge to speak, to shout, to scream?
The question you have to ask yourself as a Christian is, “is this a season that God wants me to be silent?” In a less theological way, “should I just keep my mouth shut?”
Let me ask you this: When was the last time you were just silent? Not listening to music, not having white noise (or pink noise or green noise) in the background, not reading a book, not praying, not listening to a podcast, not having a conversation with someone, just silent. You probably can’t think of the “last time” because there has probably never been a time! You are told to “go” and “do” constantly in your life. To be silent, still, patient, and wait are concepts that have to be taught as if they are new, yet they are ancient. Think about it… When I say the words sage, wise, mature, accomplished, and seasoned, what do you think of? I picture someone who is put together, not swayed by the chaos around them, and steady in their choices and words. I see someone with serenity around them. Order is their mantra. They rest in silence. They sit in tranquility.
Jesus is described in this way throughout Scripture. Isaiah 53:7 prophesied that “He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he opened not his mouth.” This occurred as He stood before Pilate: “Jesus stood before the governor. And the governor asked Him, ‘Are you the King of the Jews?’ Jesus said to him, ‘you have said so.’ When He was accused but the chief priests and elders, He gave no answer. The Pilate said to Him, ‘Do You not hear how many things they testify against You?’ But He never answered him a word, so that the governor was greatly amazed” (Matthew 27:11-14). This was a season of silence for Jesus. On the night of His greatest betrayal, when He was forsaken by most, when He had no guilt of His own, when He had every right to defend Himself, when there were truly false accusations brought against Him, He remained silent. He knew and understood the purpose of the appointed time in His life.
I know, all of this sounds strange, but that is only because it is so opposed to the world that you are accustomed to living in. Silence requires discipline, something that is a commodity in the present culture of this world. Ironically, everyone wants peace, but we are creating more noise than ever.
What I am getting at here is that in these seasons of silence, you are going to be called to not say things that you know are true. There’s no point. The more you speak, the more you sound defensive. The more you try to explain things to someone the more they will try to prove themselves right. The wisest course of action is to stop, pause, wait, be silent, and let the fruit of a situation prove itself. If people want to deny fruitful reality, that is their choice. Your silence may seem like you are “pleading the fifth” but again, we are not talking in judicial terms. We are speaking in terms of the rules of sovereignty and providence.
“Ironically, everyone wants peace, but we are creating more noise than ever.”
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Three: Speaking
When is it time to speak again?
Solomon’s words are clear in the passage. There is a time to be silent but there is a time to speak. I don’t have all the answers on this one, but I have a few thoughts:
Questions answered. When you have truly taken the time to seek the Lord, contemplate the situation, recognize your responsibility and others, identify the truth, and answer the questions that used to swirl, you are ready to speak again.
Wounds healed. Every situation is different, and everyone has different parts in every situation. Regardless of what role you played in whatever the given situation was, there are wounds that have to be healed. Until healing comes, hurt will continue to flow. Hurting people hurt people. Allow yourself time to heal in whatever capacity that needs to be. When you feel like you could walk up to the person who hurt you the most and not feel hurt, you are ready to speak again
Bridges burnt. The harsh, horrible truth is that everything won’t be normal again. Some relationships and situations will never exist again. These are the most painful, tear-filled moments that you have to come to grips with. There will be relationships with people that you love and that loved you deeply that you will never have again. When you have accepted this, and are at peace with it, you are ready to speak again.
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Time has a funny way of working, doesn’t it? They say that time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe that. I believe that healing comes through intentional, targeted effort. I believe that time keeps moving regardless of what you do and whether you heal or not. Like a river flowing, you will eventually reach the oceanfront of time. You will cross over from this life. Your seasons will be no more. Life will be a whole new reality. Death will come.
And as each of us approaches that time moment by moment, we have multiple series of choices to make. But they all boil down to one question. Will we recognize and submit to our given season or not?
“So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom” ~ Psalm 90:12
Time, what a mystery. Always fleeing from us yet ever pursuing after us. Easily measurable yet nearly indefinable. The title of this post is “God’s Time”, which, in and of itself sounds mysterious as it is. The concept to be discussed here is: what should I do with God’s time? There is a rather rudimentary foundation that is to be understood when delving into this question, and that is: all is God’s. All of creation. The visible and the invisible (Colossians 1:16). Even time itself, as we understand it would have begun when God said, “let there be light.” (Genesis 1:3) So, if time is indeed God’s, then we have a responsibility to God regarding His time.
Human responsibility is a discussion all to itself, but Scripture presents a clear case that there is some expectation of man to respond to God in some way pertaining to His creation. 1 Corinthians 4:2 states that “it is required in stewards that a man be found faithful.” This is contextually speaking to the mysteries of the wisdom of God compared to the wisdom of the world. In that context, I do think that you could make a case that time management would eventually fit in here, but I am looking mostly at the principle that Paul is referencing here—stewards (managers) are to be faithful. Few people would argue with this concept. If you trust someone to do something, whether it is for hire or voluntarily, you expect that it is done well.
This brings us to our main text, Psalm 90:12. Here, we find one of, if not the, oldest Psalms in all of the Hebrew songbook. Moses being the author, we get a prayer from the man that God took from a life-shattering sin and seclusion to speaking on God’s behalf to the most prominent man in all of the known world at the time—Pharaoh. However, this Psalm appears to take place in Moses’s later years. It seems that he is recounting all that he has seen and beheld at the hand of God over his lifespan. Don’t miss this, this is one of those times where the authorship REALLY contributes to the contextual compliments of a text.
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Authorship
Moses had lived forty years in Egypt, forty years on the backside of the desert, and another forty years in the wilderness wanderings of the Israelites. He had a resumé of life experience that exceeded most biblical characters. School of hard-knocks?—Graduated. He knew what it was like to see God’s hand of providence as his mother put him in a basket and sent him down the mighty Nile only to find him back in her arms shortly thereafter. He knew what it was like to be raised in the house of Pharaoh with wealth and splendor at his fingertips. He knew what it was like to sin big (forgive the terrible theological terminology there) when he murdered a man and fled from all that he knew and loved. He knew what it was like to see life seemingly waste away as he stood in a desert as a shepherd working for his father-in-law, Jethro. He knew what it was like to see God shatter the laws of nature with a bush that was on fire yet never consumed. He knew what it was like to feel a call and purpose of God on his life as God took Moses in spite of Moses and used him to change the course of history and the world through the Exodus of the Hebrew nation. He knew what it was like to lead from the top and fail like you’re at the bottom. Lastly, he knew what it was like to watch an entire generation, who gave their hearts over to faithless rebellion die off, one by one, as they wandered in circles for forty years. Moses. A man of God.
{Deuteronomy 33:1}
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Application
This man now pens a prayer and as he builds toward what we now call verse ten, covers God’s provision and protection (verse 1); His eternality (verses 2,4); His judgment and wrath (verses 3,7,9,11); and His superiority over man (verses 5,6,8,10). All of these points that Moses addresses about God would humble any sincere believer. Then comes verse twelve—the application. “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.” The first half of this verse is literally, “teach us how to count our days (time). This seems like a strange concept when thought of this way, but most people are familiar with counting, or budgeting, their time. We call this making a schedule or keeping a calendar, by why should we do this? The second half of the verse reveals the answer to this question—to apply our hearts to wisdom.
Why take the time to manage your time? Well, it is because God has given only so much time to you in your life, and you need to spend it in a way that is pleasing unto Him (applying your heart to wisdom). All thoughts, feeling, desires and choices should be directed toward the One Who grants us every second. One man said this, “Procrastination is the arrogant assumption that God owes you another opportunity to do what you had time to do.” Ecclesiastes 12:1 sums this principle up well. Beyond that reality, we truly never know when time will run out. In the last year of ministry, I have experienced the passing of two fourteen-year-old boys within our church family. No one expected this, but the reality of death struck, and their time was no more. I believe William Shakespeare understood the reality of time when he penned these words:
“Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our miniutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.”
(Shakespeare, Sonnet 60)
So, next time you are challenged with laziness or procrastination, and you don’t want to take the time to manage your time, remember: Moses, a man of God, under inspiration of God, charges you to number, count, manage your days and time so that you can apply your heart unto wisdom.
